Tuesday, August 2, 2011

How To Survive The Tolerance Apocalypse

"The first principle is that you must not fool yourself-- and you are the easiest person to fool." - Richard Feynman

Disclaimer: Post may be offensive. Please read with discretion.

Ten funny movie charts.

Approximate quote from this book I found in a place that is not my house nor a library or bookstore: "...how to protect your child from the dangerous new cultural movement known as 'tolerance.'"

The book (New Tolerance) was too long to read in the short time I was there, so I thought I would compile my own set of directions.

How To Survive The Tolerance Apocalypse, the Elf Army Writes Edition

  1. Direct your browser to Amazon and search for "Circular Logic." Purchase. This is your weapon against both the tolerant people and those they are tolerating.
  2. Begin fighting your way into either the South or rural northeast to find more of your own kind-- there's strength in numbers. 
  3. Avoid all cars marked "hybrid" and those with bumper stickers not relating to sports teams. If you see any sticker that reads "Coexist," find the nearest shelter and stay there until your local news station tells you the coast is clear.
  4. If anyone you suspect might be infected approaches you, attempt to frighten them off with your Circular Logic.
  5. Settle somewhere far away from a public university-they're breeding grounds for the Infected. 
  6. If there is a wi-fi connection in your area, destroy it. Same with any televisions-- there's no knowing what they'll broadcast these days. Even Fox News isn't safe anymore-- they actually acknowledged Glee's existence.
  7. Willingly form concentration camps consisting only of your fellow intolerants. You will be safe here-- for some reason the Infected try not to stray within a mile's radius.
  8. Find a transceiver. Every few months, check to see if NPR still exists. If so, it is not yet safe to emerge. Please wait patiently.
  9. Use the transceiver to attempt contact with other groups. You need to keep the gene pool open, because you might be stuck in there for a long time. Then again, you don't believe in evolution, do you? Never mind. Forget I said anything.

1 comment:

Talk to me.