'If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us." - Hermann Hesse (There are certainly exceptions to this, but I don't think there are many.)
Every morning this week, I have been turning off the internet and writing (that is to say, editing). I'm so much more productive that way. If the internet's on, I'm going to be procrastinating. The funny thing is though, I don't go looking for other distractions if its turned off. I just write.
I haven't really done much with this manuscript in about a year (oh god, it really has been that long) due to other projects and the totally misconceived notion that it was good enough to not mess with anymore, and I hadn't really done much serious writing since the end of January for other reasons.
Now that I'm getting back into both noveling in general and this project specifically...my god, I love it. I've been having such an amazing time. I've been laughing at forgotten humor, giggling with maniacal glee at the villain, banging my head against the table when I come across something particularly awful before hitting backspace as fast as I can, and generally enjoying myself tremendously. I've cut almost 3,000 words' worth of verbose irrelevancy...
While I've definitely been improving some things, though, I've also been noticing weaknesses I hadn't seen before (and emailing two of my beta readers about them). It's coming together, and I'm blissfully (or perhaps painfully) aware of the stuff that needs work.
And having recovered from my recent rejection, I have a list of agents to whom I intend to send query packets within the month.
Last night my mom told me she was proud that I haven't given up hope yet. I told her it had very little to do with perseverance and a lot to do with stubbornness. I want this, and I'm not going to stop until I get it.
My writing and my self-esteem are tied more closely than I want them to be- in more ways than one. However, the relationship between the two is reciprocal, which means they feed off each other. So I'm happy, and I'm happy that I'm happy, because that means I'm getting out of the literary rut I've been sitting around in (at least, that's what I'm telling myself).