This Machine Pwns Noobs- A Review

I've been meaning to write a review of Hank Green's latest album This Machine Pwns Noobs for awhile now. I got it for Christmas, so that just shows how long it's been. I will try to link each track to the YouTube video where you can hear the song. WARNING: A lot of these videos are NOT the studio version of the song. They're just Hank, with his guitar and camera. The studio-recorded versions are much better.

Track 1: "DFTBA," featuring Michael Aranda
It's a great song to dance to, but difficult to learn all of the lyrics. This song is comprised almost entirely of different things the letters D F T B A can stand for, the usual being Don't Forget To Be Awesome. There's also a sample from John (Green)'s video in which the phrase began. One of my favorite songs ever. Music video comment: Hank's pretty good at dancing.

Track 2: "This Isn't Hogwarts"
Hank writes a song about Harry Potter about once a year in July. The first was the hit that made the vlogbrothers channel so popular back in 2007, "Accio Deathly Hallows," the second was "Book 8," and this is the one from 2009. In this song, Hank tells us what he thinks of the public school system. It is a must-listen for anyone who has ever wanted to go to Hogwarts.

Track 3: "A Song About Anglerfish"
It was originally going to have a different title, but everyone liked this one. This song conveys messages found in both The Giver and Fahrenheit 451, while also teaching the listener some stuff about Anglerfish. This song was used in the 2009 Nerdfighters Fitness Challenge in which the participant does as many "push-up-jumping jack-dance move" combos as they can while listening to it once.

Track 4: "I Know"
Difficult to understand, since most of the lyrics are something like "I know that you don't think I think you know you think I know."

Track 5: "Mules Are So Half-Ass"
Completely comprised of puns. "The mink lost her furry scarf/she said it was stolen/ the shoe salesman wanted to help 'cause he had so much sole/ but then his whole left side fell off/ well, he's alright now/ and the pregnant heiffer saw it happen/ yeah, she had a cow/ and the CO2 delivery guy always gives me gas/ and I really hate mules/ cause they're so half ass." Very catchy.

Track 6: "Scuzzy Kizoozle Curl"
A song about a homicidal squirrel. With a string backdrop. Makes you want to dance. Beware of her.

Track 7: "Protons and Neutrons"
This is probably my favorite track on the entire album, "DFTBA" being second. It sounds great, the lyrics are great, and it makes me think.

Track 8: "Dead Boy's Girlfriend"
A Harry Potter song not written in July, about Cedric Diggory being dead.

Track 9: "Demolition Derby"
Hank likes the Demolition Derby. He also likes deep-fried food. This is the song in which he expresses that.


Track 10: "Fathers of the Founding Fathers"
"If fatherhood is the most important job by far/ Why don't I know who the fathers of the founding fathers are?". Hank's thoughts on Father's Day.

Track 11: "Ulcerative Colitis"
There are very few songs in the world about the singer's large intestine. Even fewer that are also about the country's healthcare system. This may be the only one. Moral of the story: "The healthcare system's more screwed up than a 50 year-old Fred subscriber."

Track 12: "I'm Not Edward Cullen"
The story of a boy whose crush won't love him because he's not Edward Cullen. "[She] can't help but realize, those are golden contacts in [his] eyes." The female part is sung by Hank's wife Katherine. My favorite part: "He's the only man I can't resist/ and you can't convince me he does not exist." Apparently this is an actual problem in some places today, both Edward Cullen's existence versus non existence and the problem the boy in the story is facing.

Track 13: "Crime Dramas Suck"
Everyone knows a show that is predictable. They might love it anyway, but they know what will happen. This song shows that every crime drama on TV is the same, while also poking fun at the fact that they always choose good-looking people to star in them. "By the middle of the first season/ Murder is eclipsed by sexual tension/ And I guess that probably happens a lot/ Since crime-solving people are always so hot." Sorry if this song spoils the entire season of CSI for you.

Track 14: "Jesus Gets Nothing For Christmas"
"And the worst part is it's his birthday too." I'm sure just the title gives you an idea about what is trying to be said here. He's not being serious- it's just a song to be funny. Who knew Jesus liked video games?

Track 15: "The Vegetables"
Rated PG-13. Very strange music video. Only the lyrics are rated highly, however. The music video is clean if you watch with the sound off. Now, when the video and music are combined...that is a different story. Watch at your own risk.

Track 16: "Nerdfighteria Island"
Sometime in 2009, it was discovered that we, the nerdfighters, could actually buy ourselves an island if everyone contributed a few hundred dollars. Of course, that will never actually happen, but this is a song about our country that will never exist in the physical world. A lot of this song is references to various things that only nerdfighters will understand.

Track 17: "It All Makes Sense At The End"
In which Hank pretends to be old and lists out how long he spent doing various things, looking back on his life. "I know you're curious/ I spent 3 years poo-ing."

There. I'm done with my review. I hope you watch the videos, and I also hope you go buy the album. To help you all with that, here's the link to go do that: http://dftba.com/shop/products/This-Machine-Pwns-n00bs-Bundle.html