Monday, May 16, 2011

In Which I Fight Left-Handed

The Civil Rights movement didn't solve anything-- it only hid the problem away from the public eye. The Cold War rages on-- it's just now waged through the corporate proxy known as Nabisco. What is the name of this vile villain of intolerance and the destruction of the free market? My friends, he is known as the Oreo.


The existence of the Oreo is morally wrong, since it encourages segregation (the different colors are separate). Eating Oreos, on the other hand, is morally advisable, since it desegregates the cookie. Yet buying them for the purpose of eating them is bad, because it increases demand and therefore production, ergo encouraging the immoral existence.


But what if the Oreo is swallowed whole? That would be bad for three reasons. 1. It would cause an unnecessary burden on the digestive tract of the person eating it. 2. It's a deliberate preservation of the segregation and 3. The person could choke and die.


If someone deliberately swallowed it whole to make a socio-political statement, which is more despicable: the suicide, or the statement? Suicide via unchewed Oreo is worse than the unchewedness itself, because if you're dead, you're intentionally ridding yourself of your potential to desegregate any and all future Oreos. Which is morally wrong.


It would be better, then, to confine yourself to chocolate chip cookies. The addition of chocolate chips creates diversity within the cookie, and you can even melt the chocolate beforehand to distribute it evenly. Furthermore, each baker can choose to make chocolate chip cookies in whichever way he or she wants, whereas with the Oreo, it is a corporate-mandated recipe from which there can be no deviation. Every Oreo is stuffed equal. (It's just that some *cough* Double Stuffed *cough* are more equal than others.)


In conclusion: the Oreo is evil, racist, and communist, and furthermore, it should be removed from the American home as quickly as possible.

3 comments:

  1. WE SHALL OVERCOME! WE SHALL OVERCOME!

    **ahem**

    I'm not sure what came over me.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I quite enjoyed that post.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Lol, thanks. I quite enjoyed writing it. We had a debate club meeting today, and...that's the kind of thing that happens after the official meeting is over.

    ReplyDelete

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