Thursday, May 26, 2011

Mr. Paranormal Romance

Meet Mr. Paranormal Romance. He won't pay very much attention to you at first, but we fully expect that the two of you will become quite good friends. Or even **waggles eyebrows** friends.

Mr. Paranormal Romance is English. He is tall and dark-haired and ridiculously good-looking (unless he is a werewolf, in which case he will be muscular and tan). His good looks rest mainly in the region of the hair, which is dark. He is also rich. He plays piano and composes his own music. He has great hands, which will be described as smooth, flawless, and long-fingered. He is a loner, but comes out of his shell when he meets you, Miss Reader.

He is very charming and will smile devilishly. He has an ironic sense of humor. He probably has a leadership role. He is intelligent. Actually, he's something of a genius. He's also ridiculously good-looking. And English

All of the females (and token gay men) at his school or workplace have been in love with Mr. Paranormal Romance at some point or another. However, strangely enough, none of these people are jealous of Miss Reader after he begins to notice her, unless one of these people is one of Miss Reader's close friends.

Mr. Paranormal Romance has some sort of inner darkness or pain, or a secret that can only be overcome with the help of Miss Reader. This is probably supernatural, or involving his mysterious past. It could be a family curse or he could be of a race far hotter than human despite the fact that humans are by far the most attractive race, since all of the non-humans seem to want to mate with them. 

Have we mentioned that Mr. Paranormal Romance is both good-looking and English

Just to make sure that Miss Reader is aware of those two Very Important Facts, Mr. Paranormal Romance will be shirtless for some reason or another fairly soon after she meets him. He may also give a speech or tell a long story so that Miss Reader may lose herself in his voice.

Miss Reader's life will gradually grow to center around Mr. Paranormal Romance. This creates a lot of danger and tension. Mr. Paranormal Romance knows this, and will either attempt to leave in order to protect Miss Reader from his inner darkness, discover a fear of commitment, or assure her of his love. If Mr. Paranormal Romance chooses one of the first two options, he will eventually return and their relationship will be even more serious and passionate than it was before. If they are still in school, they will become engaged before it is culturally expected for their ages. If they are not, their engagement period will be abnormally short.

If he chooses the third option, however,  Miss Reader will discover Mr. I'm Even More Awesome Than That Other Guy Who I Hate And You Should Too. This guy may be Miss Reader's childhood friend, or the Nemesis from Mr. Paranormal Romance's Past. At this point, Mr. Paranormal Romance becomes the villain, due to the revealing of his secret . This dating and/or engagement period will be longer, because Mr. Paranormal Romance will have left Miss Reader with doubt, which will eventually be healed by extraordinary patience and consideration from Mr. I'm Even More Awesome Than That Other Guy Who I Hate And You Should Too.

Pity. Mr. Paranormal Romance was so English and good-looking.

(Post inspired by both The Tough Guide To Fantasyland by Diana Wynne Jones, and Maureen Johnson)


  1. OMG, first of all, I feel like I really need to read this book you mentioned. I just looked it up and started laughing when I saw the cover. You know, I used to want to write straight up fantasy (but no elves, I think I got sick of them too fast to care), but I find a lot more pleasure in magical realism and other such smaller genres.

    Anyway, back to your post! I was grinning while I read this - really, really great. I love how you repeated the English and Good-looking facts over and over. I think you hit Twilight, and it's copycats, right on the head. I have to admit though, that I'm a sucker for nice hands. It's a weakness. I did read the Twilight series, but I can't remember if Edward's hands were described like that. I bet they were, but, haha, perhaps there were too many details to even remember my favorite kind.

    Good job! Great post! :D

  2. The Tough Guide is amazing. My face hurt from reading it because I was laughing so much and so hard.

    Oh, I'm a sucker for nice hands too. That's why I put it in there. ;)

    Mr. Paranormal Romance is half Edward Cullen, as is the obvious assumption, and half Tristan Hyde, from Jekel Loves Hyde by Beth Fantaskey.

    I'm glad you enjoyed it-- I certainly had a great time writing it.


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