Written on 9/7/2010
"What is your biggest fear?"
Arthur's wife in Mists of Avalon is mortally afraid of wide-open spaces (as well as marriage, but that's unrelated). I think a lot of people have tangible fears like that- darkness, spiders, clowns, etc. and while all of these fears are perfectly valid and I myself have many (bees, for instance, and suffocation), I think the most terrible fears are more abstract and/or insubstantial, and relate to people rather than things or experiences.
I'm afraid of abandonment, but not in the usual sense. I'm perfectly okay with leaving home and doing stuff without my parents and such. What really gets me is the thought that some day, somehow, there won't be a home to leave.
When I was little- maybe two- and we were visiting my grandparents, we took a trip to the park. I would, as my dad puts it "venture out," do some exploring, maybe play a little on the playground, and then come back to him, just for the comfort in knowing he was still there if I needed him, and then I would go play some more. My grandpa wasn't very happy with this, saying that he should make me do stuff completely on my own and, well, pretty much ignore me as long as I was safe.
This I disagree with, as did my dad. You need a firm foundation before you can build higher. I was busy making sure my foundation was as sturdy as I thought it was. I made my dad into a "home base," and didn't mind going other places as long as I could check in with the base when I needed to. This is why I freak out when I can't get into contact with people when it's rather important that I do. They might be fine, but I don't know.
Now, I'm sure that once I'm living on my own (and dorm rooms don't count), I won't have to actually drive home every so often. I've moved past that. )But when it comes to cooking, and if I ever have a kid, raising said kid, I will definitely be grabbing that phone.)
But for the most part, just the knowledge that I have parents I can go to if need be is immensely comforting to me, and I happen to have a big fear that someday that won't be there. The knoweldge that I have this makes me braver, so I don't need to actually fall back on that as much. Like Artemis knowing she could change her mind about Zeus' gifts to her at any time. That knowledge prevented her from wanting to change them.
There's my fear. What are you guys afraid of, if you don't mind telling?